"I see his
crotch every night. They don’t look like that in real life. I just kept looking
around for the wax apple and being like ‘Oh, God! Oh, God’" -Lacy
(on the visible T. Package the final night)

"It reminds
me so much of the comedy of Mel Gibson." -My mom, opening night
(meaning Mel Brooks)

"Hey!"
-Dad, while punching me as Farfarello said "tell me you put that
on this morning and said ‘I look good’" because it is his joke

"I loved
you in As You Like it where you played that leprechaun." -My
dad to Jon after the show (meaning Hard Times)

"I’m trying
to actually taste like citrus." -Ashi, on eating orange creme
savers

Best Bob Suggestions:

"DONKEY?"
-Rob and the highlight of the play

"Oh jeez.
. ." -Kyle and the most quoted moment from the play

"Whenever
John is acting he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone." -T. Pat

"He looks
like the girl from The Exorcist . . . with a beard." -Someone
about John during Photo Call

"I’m not
actually a dove, so it’s hard for me to relate." -Ashi

"I ran out
on stage and I farted and it totally threw me off." -Mike, on
the same day that he also somehow got his laces caught on JC’s costume and
his hat caught on his shoulder

"I’m not
really an ASM. I’m more like T. Pat Bodily Fluid Maintenance." -Lacy

"If I just
eat two oranges. . . *long pause* it will all be fine." -Rob’s
least creative on-stage improv

Rob (every
night): *something unintellegible* THE ORIENT!

"You cannot
beat me because I am wearing pants that I bought, IN THE ORIENT!" -Rob
(a favorite variation)

"After I’m
through with you, you’ll wish that you weren’t even here, IN THE ORIENT!"
-Rob

“Blow out yours
like the Orient.” -Rob, in a fit of improvisational wisdom

"T. Pat,
I found your dance belt!" -Rob, holding an eye patch

“Dude! It’s hot
as monkey in here.” -Brittany
“Yeah….cause nothing says hot like monkey.” -Liz

"Yes. Please.
Lace him up. Hide his package." -Liz (as Paula laced up Mike’s
costume)

"Mike makes
a hot woman from the waist down." -Emma

"Mike’s
ass made my eyes burn yesterday." -Hollie

"I saw that
one without his top on before. If that didn’t do it, nothing will." -Bekah,
yet again about Mike

“I’m ATTACHED
to Deez Nuts!” -TPat (who had been waiting weeks to say that)

“I TRIED to do
that, but I was stepping on my arm jowl!” -Matt

“Just stick it
in! Stick it in!!” -the “Donkey” to TPat, apparently while onstage

KJ: (as
if answering a question) "Yeah. OK."
Hill: "Yeah, OK, what?"
KJ: (in total panic) "I don’t know!?!"

“I think YOU’RE
the most awkward moment in this play.” -Hillary to Steve

"You ask
Bob Vila about the third dimension of a door and he’ll deny it." -Steve

Misty:
"I’m going to put a fake nose on Rachel to make her look ugly."
Hillary: "Are you going to make Mike ugly too?"
Misty: "No, birth did that."

“On the last
kiss, can you chill out a little bit? Much as I love you both, you look like
you’re 12, and it’s really kind of disturbing.” -Hillary (To T. Pat
and Ashi)

“Lucky dagger.”
-Hillary, in reference to the dagger’s insertion in TPat’s pants.

John:
“Rob was- in the way.”
Matt: “You don’t hear that one too much, do ya?” (mean, mean person)

“Get back in
the orange, you little whore.” -TPat to Ashi.

“She has… Parkinson’s…”
-TPat, in reference to Ashi in their love scene

Hill:
“TPat, what are you doing?!” (in reference to his… strategic hand positioning)

TPat: “What?” (note: hands remain in same position throughout)
Hill: “Your hands!” (they’re still there…)
TPat: “I’m NOT covering my dick here!" (To Lacy) "That’s
going on the quote board!"

TPat:
(improvising on his lines) “…they were but flowers in the spring of their
youth…”
Steve: “Butt-flowers!!”

Steve:
“I have to go to the mall to pick up some … ’stuff’.”
Matt: “Wow, my sketch-dar is going off!”

Steve:
(triumphantly, upon exiting Tustin) “Just call me… BUTT LOVE!!”

Bekah,
while kissing JC: “Cheek!” “Cheek!” “Lips! EW!”

“Keep your tongue
STILL, JC!” -Hillary

“The point of
theatre is to pretend.” -words of wisdom, and perhaps a convenient synopsis
of Theater 149 Intro to Theater, by our illustrious director, Hillary

Moran:
“Oh, but it’s so funny- John’s face!!”
John: “F*ck you!”

“John, I don’t
know what you were doing!” -Hillary
“Farting.” -Bekah
“Besides that!” -Hillary

"And so
it was that Steve dropped his contact lens into the sink and walked into a
Soda Machine." -T. Pat

Hillary:
"Ok, guys. Take five and then we’ll run this act."
Jack: (a few minutes later) "So, um, are we on break?"
Hillary: "Yes"
Jack: "Oh, I didn’t know you meant a real break. I thought it
was, like, metatheatrical."

Hollie:
"Nothing else will suffice"
T. Pat: "What about soda fiz?"
Hollie: "Not cheese OR soda fiz!"

"Can we
schedule you for a door fitting?" -Heath (to Brittany)

Steve:
"But I LIKE funky butt loving!"
T. Pat: "I win the cast poll: Is Steve Gay!"
John: "Damn it! I had tomorrow!"

"Good thing
I have this chastity belt on. Oh, wait!" -T. Pat, reaching for
Matt’s key

"I kind
of just stand there and I’m like, uh, here’s my face, there you go."
-Ashi, on stage kissing

Hillary:
“You’re like some kind of … parrot alien!”
Matt: “Don’t make fun of my baby!”

Matt:
*belches* "It’s ok…I was just asserting my masculinity…let’s continue.”

"I have
the grace and beauty of a goat." -Ashi

"Don’t
freeze staring at my breasts!" -Hollie

"He just
slung me over his should like gym shorts after a long day." -T. Pat

Not really a
quote, but rather a visual thing, Mike smacking his crotch and then head while
falling off the table was pretty damn funny.

"I kissed
her chin!" -T. Pat while running offstage

"It’s a
matter of modifier, man." -John

John:
"I fear for your children."
Steve: "You mean OUR children."

Hill:
"Steve! Stay still! Stop wandering around the stage."
Steve: "You want me to just stand here and say my line?!?"
Hill: "Yes!"
Steve (defiant and bitterly): "Fine, I’ll just stand here and
say my line."
Hill: "That’ll show me. Do what I ask."

"This play
is, like, me and the penis club!" -Hillary on the fact that there
are so many men in this play

"You’re
hardcore PMSing!" -John (to Steve)

"Am I desperate?"
-John

"Come down
here like you’re selling yourself, like it’s a ride." -Hillary

"Rob wips
out his stick, like, ‘Let’s check that throat.’" -Hillary

"It’d be
really easy to track you in the wild." -John (about T. Pat’s different
sized toes)

"There
is nothing funner than making wind!" -Hillary, giving Jack character
motivation

"Give your
focus to the rubber chicken." -Mark Olsen

“Stage combat
is the different between hospital and the illusion of hospital.” -Mark
Olsen

"What’s
the deal with squires?" -T. Pat (as Seinfeld)

"Can I
play this scene as William Shatner?" -T. Pat

"What’s
my motivation. . . I did not just say that" -T. Pat

Steve:
"Wait, you thought we just called the chair Tyrone for the heck of it?"
Hillary and Lacey: "Yes!"

"T. Pat.
Don’t break this. :-)" -The Sign on the Coat Hanger

"the powers
of the ok-U-lot" -Kyle trying to pronounce "occult"

"Kyle,
you don’t need to do as much as you think you do to make yourself sound gay."
-Hillary

"Bo-yay"
-Mike trying to pronounce "booyah"

"Fat. .
.Fata Morgana." -John, much to Hollie’s distress, trying to pronounce
her character’s name

Hill:
"Why did you just clap twice?"
Matt: "Sometimes I miss the first time so I figured I should do
two to be safe.