I have been very busy recently getting married and buying a house so I haven’t done that much eBay and, as such, haven’t had anyone to piss me off.

The best part about the following is that its a very stupid item that I have been trying to get rid of for a while with no takers and was about to just donate it to a local tricky tray when a buyer at the last minute bid $.99 and won it.

I must have left the shipping weight from the last item in, however, when listing because the item weighs 11 pounds and I put less than 3 which was really stupid of me. I blame all the wedding/house buying madness. I normally would have eaten the extra and shipped it anyway, but it ended up being a difference of about $12, which, for a $1 item, was ludicrous.

I decided the only fair thing to do was the refund the buyers full amount, explain the situation and apologize. I suppose I could have just billed her for the extra shipping, but that hardly seemed fair. So I refunded her money and wrote her a note apologizing, explaining that I made an error in the listing that drastically changed the terms of sale. I also said that I would relist the corrected item if she still wanted it and just eat the eBay fees. It had been an auction the first time around but, since I really doubt I will be able to sell this again, I listed it as a BIN in my store with best offer. This way, if the same lady wants it, she can just send me a best offer of $.99 and she can have it or someone else can have it. I really don’t care.

I wrote this off as nothing until I got the first unbalanced email. At first, I thought it was just going to be a small complaint but when I saw how long it was and how righteous and completely confused this person is, I literally was giddy with glee. I have missed the crazy people of eBay so very much and, to make matters better, this one is purely for amusement since everything I did was within the letter. Here we go:

I am sorry too, but I did have to report this to Ebay as a seller non-performance. The seller guidelines state that once an auction is won and closes, the winner and the seller have entered into a contract and by you refusing to sell the item and refusing my payment, this situation does fall under those guidelines that I read and do believe to have understood correctly. I don’t understand what kind of typo could have drastically changed the item. I know what the item description is and I am familiar with it, so I don’t see that there could be a problem there. I also don’t understand what took 6 days for you to determine this and decide not to sell to me. You’ve now held my money for 6 days and I was expecting the item to show up in the mail anyday now. This just isn’t good selling and I feel it needs to be made right, so I felt I needed to bring Ebay in to help me and my rights as a buyer in this situation. I do apologize and I hope you understand. Thanks - [name]

I am trying to contain myself even while re-reading it and am giggling too much. Calm. First, "seller non-performance?" LOL! Nevermind that there is no such thing, but the only thing eBay does in a case of buyer dispute is issue a refund which I already did. I love the part best where she says "the seller guidelines" which she "read and do[es] believe to have understood." Nevermind that her writing style is comical, she clearly hasn’t read them, for if she had, she would understand that refunding her money was really the only option I had other than billing her for the extra shipping which is sleazy, in my opinion. Definitely far more so than refunding and apologizing.

Now onto the 6 days comedy. Firstly, it hadn’t even been 6 days since she sent payment, I know this specifically because I wanted to file it as a return with eBay and it hadn’t been long enough. Secondly, she picked Parcel Post which eBay lists at 2 to 9 days. Nevermind that 2 days only applies if you are my next door neighbor, she was looking for the package at what amounts to 3 days after she sent payment. Did she forget about the concept of business days not only for me but for the post office?

For all my fun-making, I  could give her poor little confused head some of the above. She is obviously new to eBay and has no idea what is going on, so I can understand not knowing how it works and forgetting when she paid. But the part that I love the most and had me in stitches is the part about how this "isn’t good selling" and how she needs to "bring eBay in to help me and my rights as a buyer." Lady, you need much more help than eBay can possibly give.

I cannot imagine what she thinks eBay will be able to do. I have already processed her refund. The most I did was inconvenience her the day it took me to pack the item (my one day handling time) and the day when I took it to be mailed and found out my error and whatever time it took her to reply to my email. She already has her money so I don’t even understand what "rights" she thinks she is fighting for. The right to have a $1 Appetizer Grill shipped to her at a negative profit to me? That doesn’t even make sense.

Sadly, I did not keep my reply because I really thought this would be a one off and I would never hear from her again. I apologized again for the inconvenience and explained the mistake in the weight for the shipping cost (the only reason I didn’t explain this the first time around is that I honestly did not think she cared). I told her that there was no need to be sorry about contacting eBay (private snicker) as I would be doing the same thing to process the refund (which I originally hadn’t intended to do but now was going to). As an aside, I also told her, for her future reference, that it was "silly" to have expected the package any day now as Parcel Post takes 2 to 3 weeks to TN (where she is). I use the word silly a lot and don’t mean anything by it other than a faster way of writing illogical, but apparently in TN, it’s a really big insult. Today I got:

One more thing, the shipping method I chose, US Postal Service Parcel Post, says estimated delivery of 2-9 days for $8.85. I just checked it again to make sure. So, I am not sure where you are pulling 2-3 weeks from and since I bought the item on the 11th, I don’t find it at all silly to have been expecting it by Friday which would have been 9 days. So, I don’t really appreciate being called silly, I have tried to be very nice about this, but if you want to insult me, that is your choice. I know what your shipping options on that item said at auction close and still say today for the old listing, I am a little confused why you don’t seem to be familiar with your own listing and yet you want to call me silly?

What I love most about this person is that everything is so very dramatic with her. Huge long emails about…what? Nevermind that when you bought the item is not when you paid for it and nevermind that it’s 2 to 9 days in general and that to TN its closer to the longer end of that and, most of all, that those are business days and 9 business days is just under 3 weeks.

A sweetie, I don’t just want to call you silly. I already did. And right now I am calling you several other choice things which are much much worse.

Now comes the part I was waiting for. The drama. Suddenly she is righteous and wronged because I called her such a horrible name as "silly" (cover the ears of the children!!!). I hit reply and sent her a quick little email explaining that business days did not include weekends and which explains her error. I ended it with take care and moved on to my next email.

Which was also from her! Got to love the back to back crazy tirades without waiting for a reply.

Yes, I understand that, but you changed the whole auction on this item, not just the weight. It was an auction with a starting bid of $0.99 and now it is a buy it now for $9.99 and shipping of about $16.00. It sure doesn’t make it look like it was just a typing error on the weight. And regardless, Ebay makes it sound like the seller is responsible for his or her listing and the correctness of that listing, so I still feel this wasn’t quite right. I am only interested in this item at the original auction price I won it for. Sorry, we had a deal and now you have changed the whole structure of that deal.

The first half makes no sense at all, but I guess she just doesn’t understand what a best offer listing is and that it is the same thing as just bidding $.99, so I will cut her slack on that. I also don’t know what she is replying to as I got this email before I sent my reply to the other so, whatever. What amuses me is that her mind is blown by the fact that the shipping is suddenly more and how, to her, this "doesn’t make it look like it was just a typing error on the weight." Funny, because I think it proves exactly that seeing as how I grossly undercharged her for shipping and now that the listing is corrected the shipping is more which makes perfect sense everywhere but her little corner of the world.

The strangest thing about this person is that they don’t even seem to understand what they are on about. Yes, the seller is responsible for the listing which is why, when I noticed the error, I immediately refunded her. I could understand all this psychotic-ness if I was holding her money hostage, but I happily refunded every last drop of it, no questions asked and with a completely honest apology.

I know, I should have stopped replying at this point. But I couldn’t resist one wee bit more. I am eager to see if she gives it up or if I get one final tirade. I will have to reply them. I have my readership to think of.

I wrote back about 2 sentences just saying that the listing is best offer and that if she is still interested, just send an offer of the $.99 and I will accept it. I followed with "If you are no longer interested in the item, no problem, take care and Happy eBaying!" which is how I end many of my emails.

I wonder if she will re-purchase the item just to spite me?