I am, generally, not a petty person. I really couldn’t care less and even when someone really ticks me off I usually just try to hide it from them for a day or two and I am over it. That said, when people violate the rules of phone tag, I can take petty to a whole new level.

Let me tell you a story about three friends of mine. We will call them friends 1, 2 and 3. All three of these friends are some of my closest friends in life and all of them I have not spoken to several months.

This may well be the pettiest thing I have ever written so prepare yourself.

First, I need to specify some petty points. I would argue that a message sent on myspace or similar site is a level one communication, ie the lowest form, second only to not speaking to the person at all. Getting a letter in the mail, long email, or having quick IM conversation would be level 2 while a phone coversation, long im conversation etc, is level 3, seeing them in person level 4 and so on.

Friend 1: I have called this friend quite a few times in the last few weeks. She, in turn, has called me. We have been leaving messages back and forth but we have not succeeded in actually speaking.
Where I stand: As far as I am concerned, Friend 1 and I are totally cool. True, we haven’t managed to actually speak, but she has been calling me as often as I have been calling her so I feel like it is just chance that we haven’t spoken yet.

Friend 2: I have called this friend about 5 times in the last 3 months and we have had some level 1′s back and forth.
Where we stand: I am mostly cool and only slightly miffed at Friend 2. The level 1′s at least let me know she still cares if I am alive and I can excuse the lack of returned phone call to busy-ness to a certain extent. I also did have a missed call from her once so, while I didn’t get a voicemail, the attempt was made. In addition, I also saw friend 2 more recently then friend 1 or 3 so that gives her a bonus point aura.

Friend 3: I have emailed, level one-ed, invited this person over AND called this person several times. Other than 2 level 1′s back, they have made no attempt to call me or otherwise contact me. This, I feel, is in violation of the rules of phone tag.
Where I stand: I would say that I am going to stop calling this person until they call me but, honestly, I never stick to that so it is a hollow threat. I am annoyed though, particularly because this person will get really mad at others who don’t call her back. I am not saying I am cutting this person out of my life or anything but I think it is interesting that I am more annoyed at 3 then 1 or 2 when its been about the same amount of time since we talked.

So, then, what are the rules?

1. A certain number of level 1s and 2s can equal a phone call. There are some friends I level 1 and 2 so often that I feel like I have talked to them on the phone when I haven’t.
2. Effort counts for a lot. As long as you are attempting to at least make it look like you are trying to contact me back, I will not get annoyed.
3. With me, at least, if I called you once and you don’t reply in any way at any level, its ok. Twice, slightly less so. Three times, I am pretty annoyed at that point. At that point, it feels like a blow off.
4.  No one likes to feel like they are in a one-sided friendship. It’s the point at which the phone tag makes it feel like you are having to put all the effort into the friendship that I get miffed.

There are totally times when I am a crap friend. I forget birthdays sometimes, I forget to call back, etc. These are things that I know upset my friends because they upset me when it happens to me but we are all human and forget stuff. But, by the same token, I can be an awesome friend sometimes so I like to think that, on average, I am worth the trouble. For me, its the averages. I am totally willing to forgive some stupid stuff when its a person who the rest of the time is a really great friend.

I will use the example of one of my guy friends. He is awful about calling people back. However, after many months of phone tag, when we did get on the phone, we not only had a lot of fun and talked for over an hour, but we also made plans to hang out and have been keeping better in touch. The contact of the last few weeks makes me forgive him all the times he didn’t call me back.

Now, understand that if you are reading this blog and you suspect it is about you and you call me, you will be awarded no bonus points because I will know that you only are calling me because of free floating blog guilt. I am on to you.

Free floating blog guilt, incidentally, will be a topic for another day. Or later this same day if I still haven’t been able to get some work ethic by then.

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