My mom doesn’t really like when I share her momisms here but NOT sharing them was crushing all the fun out of my life so she’ll have to deal.

First, this classic from several months ago:

“Robert Pattinson. Isn’t he in that movie with Reese Witherwhatever, Elephants Can’t Swim?” -My mom

And then, from just now:

Mom: Doesn’t Reese… *a long pause ensues in which I assume she’s going to say some version of Witherspoon when she throws me a curve ball* Fillbus look good?

Me: …I’m sure I would agree with you if I had any idea who Reese Fillbus… wait. Do you mean Regis Philbin?

Mom: *unfazed* Doesn’t he look good for his age?

Me: *sighs* Yes, mom. Yes, he does.

And then, for old time’s sake, a rerun of this classic from the day Heath Ledger died…

Mom: Isn’t that a shame about Keith Richards?

My husband: You mean Heath Ledger? Yeah…

Mom: And Keith Richards is still alive! *she says as if Husband was the one who’d said it wrong*

Husband: Uh… yeah.

Mom: And now I’m all depressed about this financial stuff I saw on TV. I was watching that guy… oh, you know… the Mad Money guy…

Husband: *just trying to keep up* Jim Cramer?

Mom: Yes! Him. You know me. I’m terrible with numbers.

Doesn’t that just about sum it up?

Husband, who originally hails from PA, wishes to make a U-Turn but is prevented by posted traffic signs.

Husband: New Jersey is such an ass backwards state.

Me: Whatever. We invented the light bulb. What did Pennsylvania ever invent?

Husband: America.

“The day I start a book 200 other people start books. And they’re smarter, and funnier, and more talented than I am, and you would enjoy them much more than you’re enjoying me. But too bad for them and too bad for you, ’cause I’m the guy that finished the book. That’s the reality.” -Stephen Hunter

Oddly inspiring in a “so what if I suck, I have the odds on my side!” kind of way.