There are so many quote board entries I cannot put because they are talking about other people. It is downright sad.

The runner up:

Me: It’s interesting to see how many people I knew from school who were really shallow ended up married to rather fat guys. Do you suppose this means they finally learned to accept a person’s inner beauty?
Steve: (in a half asleep stupor) Nah, it means that they married their hot guys and they got fat. *A really long pause ensues here where I have moved on to other thoughts. Suddenly out of the blue Steve says in a dreamy half-asleep voice* . . .  you know. Like Frederline. He got fat.”

But the amazing winner is, of course, my mother:

Me: So is Watchman worth renting?
Mom: Let me put it this way. His penis isn’t big enough to make it worth sitting through the whole movie for.

My 13 year old cousin is a budding writer and we were talking shop one day when she mused, “I am totally stuck in this one story. I don’t know what should happen next.”

“Kill someone,” I said.

“Really?” she replied.

“Yeah,” I said, “I read a book on writing once that recommended killing someone if you are stuck.”

She looked down at the ground for a moment and then looked up and shyly asked, completely serious, “But. . . won’t I go to jail?”

“In the story! Kill a character in the story!” I clarified and she said, “Oh!” with genuine relief.

I’m not even sure where to begin with this.

A client contacted me a few days ago and I called, once and then twice before she finally called me back today. In between these calls was totally radio silence.

When I finally get her on the phone, the first thing she said to me is, in a dazed sort of way, “We’ve been playing phone tag for so long.” Now our voicemail has been acting up so I immediately said, “Oh, did you leave me a message?” because I wanted to know if it was still busted. I realize that with her not knowing this probably made me sound like an ass who was all “I called you but never called me, dimwit” but I assure you my intentions were pure.

“Oh, no,” she continues, like she is a little high and floating in a pool of whipped topping, “I never called you.”

So now I’m like, WTH? First I’m confused because I’m still trying to figure out if my voicemail is busted or not. Then I get a little annoyed as I comprehend. Not to be all literal but, if you never called me, how were we playing phone tag?

So, reaching for some form of clarity I said, “So, you never called? I just wanted to make sure because our voicemail is acting up.”

“No, I never called,” she says, like I am some lunatic who is accusing her of calling when she has no idea what a phone even is.

“Oh, OK. Cool,” I say because I am confused and it just seems best to move on. “So, let’s get down to business.” There is a long awkward silence and I’m afraid that she is mad at me or whatever so I start to blabber like a doofus and say, “Sorry, I just thought you meant that you had called me a few times when you said phone tag. I thought you were having trouble reaching me.”

In the same confused, dazed voice she replied, “I was trying to reach you. I mean, I didn’t call but I thought about it.”

Now, at this point, I just said, “Oh.” in a helpful way and barreled on ahead with business.

I should clarify that my rational thought is just that this woman is a space cadet who doesn’t think before she speaks. But what if she was being totally serious?

If someone tries to contact me psychically and fails, does that count as phone tag? Because I am pretty sure that is what just went on.