A client contacted me a few days ago and I called, once and then twice before she finally called me back today. In between these calls was totally radio silence.

When I finally get her on the phone, the first thing she said to me is, in a dazed sort of way, “We’ve been playing phone tag for so long.” Now our voicemail has been acting up so I immediately said, “Oh, did you leave me a message?” because I wanted to know if it was still busted. I realize that with her not knowing this probably made me sound like an ass who was all “I called you but never called me, dimwit” but I assure you my intentions were pure.

“Oh, no,” she continues, like she is a little high and floating in a pool of whipped topping, “I never called you.”

So now I’m like, WTH? First I’m confused because I’m still trying to figure out if my voicemail is busted or not. Then I get a little annoyed as I comprehend. Not to be all literal but, if you never called me, how were we playing phone tag?

So, reaching for some form of clarity I said, “So, you never called? I just wanted to make sure because our voicemail is acting up.”

“No, I never called,” she says, like I am some lunatic who is accusing her of calling when she has no idea what a phone even is.

“Oh, OK. Cool,” I say because I am confused and it just seems best to move on. “So, let’s get down to business.” There is a long awkward silence and I’m afraid that she is mad at me or whatever so I start to blabber like a doofus and say, “Sorry, I just thought you meant that you had called me a few times when you said phone tag. I thought you were having trouble reaching me.”

In the same confused, dazed voice she replied, “I was trying to reach you. I mean, I didn’t call but I thought about it.”

Now, at this point, I just said, “Oh.” in a helpful way and barreled on ahead with business.

I should clarify that my rational thought is just that this woman is a space cadet who doesn’t think before she speaks. But what if she was being totally serious?

If someone tries to contact me psychically and fails, does that count as phone tag? Because I am pretty sure that is what just went on.

Yeah, I know. It’s Thursday. But since tomorrow I am going to visit my grandparents for Father’s Day with my parents, it might as well be Friday because I’m not going to do any work tomorrow.

My brother has a floating schedule where he gets two days off a week, but not necessarily Saturday and Sunday. He refers to every day of the week, however, not by its actual name but rather what it would be if he got Saturday and Sunday off. If he has off on Wednesday and Thursday, he refers to Tuesday as “Friday” and Thursday as “Sunday.”

As you can imagine, this is confusing as heck. Back when he had Thursdays and Friday’s off, he chastised me for forgetting LOST was on by saying, “LOST is always on Sunday nights!” This would be fine were it not for the fact that LOST is on on Wednesday nights so this conversation made no sense.

This past week, he lamented the fact that there was no good TV on on Sunday nights because shows like Family Guy and The Simpsons air on real Sunday. It makes my head hurt.

For most of the year, he also only has one day a week off so he would refer to that day as both Saturday and Sunday, switching words about half-way through the day.

This situation was also the architect of this wonderful conversation.

Sam: Tomorrow is my Friday.
Hillary: Today is Thursday. Tomorrow is everyone’s Friday.
Sam: Well, then we’ll all enjoy it, won’t we?

I suppose it’s the best system we have to work with.

My Mother: Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow? I’m making Admiral Cho’s chicken.
Me: Sure, but, just for the record, you mean General Tso’s chicken, right?
My Mother: (in a panicked voice) I. . . don’t. . . know. . . what I mean!

“He’s not the brightest tack.” -Mom, yet again mixing her metaphors

I love this woman, people.

And because Mom has been monopolizing the quote board:

Me: (making a wrap, asking for more lettuce) Can I have a little more?
Husband: You don’t want more. That’s potent stuff.
Me: (considering the lettuce) Really?
Husband: Yeah, trust me.
Me: I trust you, I’ve just never heard lettuce described as potent before.
Husband: Oh, it is. *pause* Wait. Did you ask for the lettuce? I thought we were talking about onions all this time.