in which the gods of writing punish me for neglecting my WIP for so long

I am a bad, bad writer.

How bad? The last time I touched my work in progress was May 16th.

That’s 47 days! Holy cow is that unacceptable.

I have to confess, I genuinely had no idea it had been that long or I would have forced myself to work on it sooner. One of my big promises to myself this year was never to go more than 2 weeks without touching a WIP and I just totally FAIL-ed out on that one.

So the fact that I have no concept of the passage of time is sort of an issue but let’s not dwell on that.

Today I forced myself to work on the WIP. Not because I wanted to. But instead because it was the first day when, after a long day of work, I had a little steam left and didn’t not want to which is about as close as I figured I would get to wanting to write.

I decided to read the entire thing from the beginning, just to give myself a feel for it again. So I read through everything, editing as I went. Much to my dismay, I really hated the first chapter which is easily the one I have spent the most time on so that was a bit depressing but then, as I read on, I started to like the story again so I was feeling hopeful.

Then I got up to the chapter I was editing in May when I last worked on it and… I hated it. I mean, I expected it to be bad because I totally changed it so it was basically a first draft in the middle of a second draft but ugh. The suck was strong.

Normally, I read something of mine that is awful and it fills me with energy. First I get all angry and yell about how its crap and I’m crap and the worst writer ever, etc etc, a necessary part of the writing process for me that troubles my husband. Then the anger turns into energy and I attack that puppy with a vengeance and hack the hell out of it until its good or at least better. (Upon rereading, my metaphor sounds violent to puppies. I apologize to the puppies. I love puppies. I am pro-puppies.)

I didn’t get that reaction this time. I think its because I let this go for so long I lost that enthusiasm for it, that fire that makes me want to hack it up or get really angry about it. All I could muster was a sad little meh of emotion for this cruddy chapter. But considering I first got the idea for this book almost exactly a year ago and have been non-stop gung-ho about it, feeling meh about it was a bit sad.

Now, I am tired. So I suppose we can excuse at least part of this feeling to that state.

But this all brings to mind an important point that for some reason I have to keep relearning because I’m dumb. The reason they tell you to write every day is the same reason they want you to exercise every day. You can’t run 20 miles after not having exercised for a year and expect you’ll be able to do that without dying. You need to stay warmed up and keep working the muscles all you’ll lose them.

Every time I do NaNoWriMo I realize how much easier writing is when I do it every day. I can work on my story at any time, in any place, no matter the distractions for the simple reason that I’m working on it all the time so there is no “getting back into it” needed. And every time I neglect my story for a while I realize how much harder I make it for myself to get started again. I have to re-read, fumble through, every word is painful and slow because I’m not in the mindset anymore.

If only I could retain these lessons and not do this to myself, that would be great.

So, on paper, I accomplished nothing tonight. All I did was re-read my story and correct a few sentences here and there. But, though discouraging, I think tonight was a necessary step. My brain has at least taken a tiny, tentative step back into my narrative and if I force myself to work on the book regularly, I should be back in the swing of things in no time.

I have already sternly informed this wayward chapter that I’ve got his number (which is 7) so I will take a little snooze break and then hack the heck out of him tomorrow, mercilessly. Will it be slower going than it would be under normal terms? Probably. But I need to suck it up and break that pony or I’ll never get to ride again.

The metaphors get weaker the later it gets, have you noticed?

My point is, even if you, like me, need to continually relearn the lesson that you should write often and not ignore your writing for long periods of time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure it will be slow, painful work at the start but once you get back into a regular schedule, the writing will come easily again in time.

(I hope.)