Oh, sleep. I’m sorry that I ever took you for granted. 

A baby sleeping. Not my baby, mind you, because she never actually does that. (Photo credit: bitzcelt)

New parents don’t get any sleep. That’s the cliché, right? Because newborns wake up every 4 hours to be fed or sometimes more often than that because they are babies and why shouldn’t I be awake right now, human slaves? Serve me! Look how cute I am, you are powerless to resist!

This is all true. Except that it’s actually not the whole story. Because many women, far more than would ever admit it, suffer from post-natal insomnia so even when the baby IS actually sleeping… they literally can’t sleep. Then add to this equation that there are still Things To Be Done like housework (Ha!) and running internet companies and meeting publishing deadlines and if there’s no time to do them during the day, the only option is to stay up late and do them after the baby is asleep. And while the world is understanding the first couple of week after you have a baby… sympathy tapers off drastically after that and you are expected to have a handle on this and be able to somehow be at your previous level of productivity despite the fact that your world is completely different from how it was before.

So, late and sleepless nights, sometimes in combo, for a variety of reasons have all added up to one thing: I’m exhausted. It’s been over a year since I have gotten more than 6 hours of continuous sleep. In the more immediate, it’s been about two months since I got more than 6 hours of sleep AT ALL and, as someone who used to survive on 5 or 6 hours of sleep daily pre-parenthood and thought it was No Big Deal, let me tell you that there is a massive difference between sleeping even 4 continuous hours and snagging a total of 6 hours over an evening when you are up and down throughout. Because we’re in the dreaded 18 month sleep regression right now, I’ve actually had four nights out of the last 10 days when I only got 2 hours of sleep or less for the night and that wasn’t even continuous.

This is not a complaint, mind you. I enjoy my daughter tremendously and, when I’m in the moment, I genuinely don’t mind getting up with her whether it’s in the middle of the night or when she gets up for the day between 4 or 5 AM. This is also not a lamentation for sleeping in which I only ever got to do rarely pre-baby anyway. Rather, my point in this is that, as someone who though she wasn’t getting very much sleep back when I was working until midnight or later and getting up at 6:45 every morning, I didn’t know how good I had it.

Many days, I’ve joked that I’ve evolved past the need for sleep because, even without caffeine (which I couldn’t have much of while nursing) I was functioning pretty darn well. And I genuinely do think I need less sleep than the average person and that was true even before I was a parent. As long as I get at least one night a week where I got a chunk of continuous sleep even if just for a few hours, I do OK. But with this last stretch I may have finally hit even my threshold.

Think of Star Trek. Right now, I’m the Enterprise running on emergency power only. I can perform basic functions. I am still chugging along through space. But if the Romulans attack… I’m screwed.

I only really notice the differences when I actually do get sleep. Long Suffering Husband let me sleep in until 9 AM on Sunday and I felt like a completely different human as parts of my brain that hadn’t worked in days chugged briefly back to life. I had writing ideas! I became aware that Father’s Day was a thing and that I should be getting presents! I was able to converse with my fellow humans in a coherent manner!

This is, by far, the biggest problem. Apparently social skills are the first thing to go when you switch to auxiliary power and I’m finding it very difficult to make conversation. It’s not just having nothing besides the baby to talk about. It’s more like me being mid-sentence and then trailing off and staring very intently at a wall because I’ve forgotten the person I’m speaking to exists while my brain defrags so I don’t pass out. And while you can warn the people in your life that you’re impaired, this only does so much. That’s because, firstly, it’s one thing for you to explain that you had four hours of sleep total over the last three days but, unless they’ve actually experienced what that really feels like, they may not really understand. And, secondly, when you complain about the same thing more than once, people tend to tune you out. Which is why I have a conversation at least once a week with someone where I tell them how little sleep I got and then later, when I’m like, “I’m going to just fall over from exhaustion.” They’ll be like, “Why?”

I am not a patient person as anyone who has ever watched me use a slow computer can attest so I am pleasantly surprised to discover that, no matter how little sleep I get, I apparently have endless vats of patience when it comes to my daughter. It’s probably some mom-gene thing so I’m confident I don’t deserve the credit for it but it feels a bit like a superpower. That said, this patience is non-transferable, and I have exactly zero for everyone and everything else. Seriously. If you’re looking to start drama with someone I am absolutely the wrong choice right now. I’m basically brain-damaged from lack of sleep and I’m like:

Anyway, as you can imagine, this mental state is not great for writing. Not all work, mind, because I’ve found that some formatting and other tasks I seem to be able to do even if I’m literally half asleep, but the actual crafting of coherent sentences and creative aspects of coming up with ideas and making stories, posts or articles have been very difficult. Fiction in particular is near impossible when I’m having a hard enough remembering my name, let along imaginary worlds. I’ve been forcing myself to do it, of course, and still getting words down because that’s how I roll but it’s like trying to start a fire with soggy wood.

My point in all of this is simply: Get sleep when you can. It may not feel like something that’s really necessary as long as you have coffee but you’re really not your best you without adequate rest. When it comes to being creative, a working mind is the best tool you have. Take care of yourself.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed at 8 :30 PM again like the rock star that I am. 😉